Hosea 14:1-3
What a Sincere Apology Needs
We all know lame apologies when we hear them. Whenever anyone says, “I’m really apologetic about feelings being hurt,” or, “I’m sorry if I offended anyone,” or, “I’m sorry if my words were misconstrued,” we feel like we are left holding a dead fish. The apologies just do not swim.
Those who have studied apology have determined that a genuine apology contains five essential elements. These are:
- Sincerity
- Acceptance of personal responsibility
- Expression of the person’s value
- Promise of restitution (if appropriate), or a request for pardon
- A promise and plan to change behavior
Sincerity and Honesty
Number one on the list is sincerity. An apology involves an admission of wrongdoing, along with a request to be pardoned. It is not a Get-out of-Jail-Free card.
For an apology to be effective, it must be sincere. Sincerity in turn simply equates to honesty—about yourself, about the offense, and about the value of the person we have wronged—without condition. This is why apologies that begin, “I’m sorry if…” are so obviously phony. They are dishonest from the first phrase.
Sincerity and Rehearsal
We might assume that genuine sincerity equates with spontaneity. After all, how could a rehearsed apology be sincere?
Actually, we can be sincere and rehearsed at the same time. In fact, sincerity and rehearsal complement each other. Here is an example of an apology that the LORD gave Israel through the prophet Hosea. The quote comes from Hosea 14. The essential elements (including the call for rehearsal) are added in brackets and caps.
Return, O Israel, to the LORD your God,
for you have stumbled because of your iniquity. Take with you words
and return to the LORD;
say to him [REHEARSAL],
“Take away all iniquity [REQUEST FOR PARDON];
accept what is good,
and we will pay with bulls the vows of our lips [PROMISE AND PLAN TO CHANGE PERSONAL BEHAVIOR].
Assyria shall not save us;
we will not ride on horses;
and we will say no more, ‘Our God,’
to the work of our hands [ACCEPTANCE OF PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY].
In you the orphan finds mercy [EXPRESSION OF THE PERSON’S VALUE].”
--Hosea 14:1-3
In the above example, sincerity saturates the speech. This is because sincerity arises from honesty. If we are honest about ourselves and the facts in an apology, it will be sincere.
This also shows the reason why rehearsal is so important in apology. When we walk into any situation cold, we lack control over what we are about to say. We tend to over-talk, and over-talking can kill an otherwise good apology.
How to Build an Apology
We all will need to apologize at one time or another. Here is a brief list of elements that an effective apology will need. Remember that an apology is never an excuse. It is an honest admission of wrongdoing.
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Tell the person, “I was wrong, and I’m sorry.”
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Describe what happened, without making excuses for your behavior.
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Make sure the person knows that you understand exactly how you have hurt or inconvenienced him.
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Tell how you intend to behave in the future.
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Ask forforgiveness.
Every one of us hurts others, either intentionally or unintentionally. Yet honest apologies are rarer than opals. Apology gives the other person the opportunity to heal.
In order to give reconciliation its best chance to flourish, it must be right. To assure success, write out your apology and rehearse it ahead of time. Include these elements. Then deliver it with prayer.
Doug Knox