People laugh and say “Oh, it’s the OCD in me.” We want things certain ways and in a certain order. I think that is true for everyone at some time or another. But for those of us with OCD it’s not always a laughing matter. It can be a debilitating disease that zaps our strength. Many times it’s easier to give in than to fight. Sometimes I fight so no one will notice. Often times people wonder what is that all about? Anxiety abounds. Then again, thanks to medication, it only rears its ugly head occasionally. That is usually in stressful or unfamiliar situations.
I was relieved when I was diagnosed many years ago. I knew something wasn’t right but I didn’t know what. When I was told that there was a name for it and medication to help, I felt hope. I remember exactly when it began in 6th grade. I had to “recheck” something before recess and the process of doing that made what I was checking to fall to the ground and break. That was embarrassing. The strange things I would have to do is exit the same door I entered. If a piece of clean laundry from the washer fell on the floor I had to rewash the whole load. The list goes on and on. It makes no sense, but it’s easier to give in than to fight. While medication helps immensely, it doesn’t completely solve the problem.
As Paul did I have asked for this thorn to be removed. I have pleaded with God to help me be “normal.” But what is normal? I realize everyone has their own version of normal. Having arthritis and sore joints all the time is normal for some people. We each have our own realities and things we live with. So, why did God choose not to take this away? I will not know till I get to heaven. I mean there were a lot of strikes against me growing up. This too?
So yes medication does help, thank God for it. I am no longer a slave to many of the things I use to do, but I am still a slave to the disease. But I have learned to accept this because God chose me to have it. I have learned discipline. I have learned I do things without knowing I’m doing them, but accept this is who I am and if people think I’m weird, well who isn’t? I give my anxiety to Jesus. Sometimes He takes it and sometimes I have to bear it. It’s ok to be who God made me to be. Whether I have one leg or two, whether I have OCD, fighting my battles with food or depression, He is right there. He will always be there. I just have to stay close to Him. Life is not easy, but with Jesus it worth living. Why me? Why not me! Who am I to decide God’s mind? I just thank Him for choosing me to be His child. I thank Him for life eternal, for a heaven where I will be free. For there is always life and hope in Jesus. Of this I am sure.